Busy

Life continues to be busy, in spite of my efforts to seek stillness. We spent the weekend cleaning out our office. It looks ten times better, but not nearly to where I want it to be, largely because I broke the bookcase and we had to throw it out. Now I spend a lot of time on Craigslist, hoping someone in the area will have one for sale. I can’t unpack a few boxes until we get one.

I’m still freaking out over giving my notice at work. I’m feeling excited about the extra time I’ll have, but nervous about supporting myself.  I can stay on part-time and pick up hours as needed, but I wish I could just make a clean break altogether. The negativity of my work environment literally gives me stomach pain and puts me in a bad mood. Unfortunately, I have yet to find other jobs that will fit my schedule and pay a decent wage. I’m feeling pretty lost about it all, but trying to keep the faith. It’s getting pretty hard though.

I’m taking grant proposal writing this summer and I love it.  I really come alive when I’m in that class.

The Ex sent me crazy text messages this weekend, asking me to leave CB and meet up with him to chat. When I said no, he sent me a video of him cutting himself. It literally scared the crap out of me. If I continue to hear from him, I will block and report him, but thankfully he’s stopped.  I hope he continues to do so.

I think that’s pretty much it. CB and I are generally happy. Just having hard conversations from time to time about the future.  Adulthood is hard these days. I just want a job I don’t despise and a clean office. And yet both seem out of reach.

How are all of you doing?

(Sorry for such a random post. But I wanted to blog about something today. It’s been awhile.)

Tags: CB, job search, life, love, moving, office, social work, The Ex, work

Peace

I know what it feels like.

So even though I’m kinda kicking myself over not accepting that job, I know that if I don’t feel at peace about it, I probably shouldn’t do it.

In other words, I shouldn’t trade one hell (the Bigger Suck) for another potential hell.  The risks are too high.

And believe me when I tell you (while also reminding myself), I know what peace is like:

You can feel it when sending an email to someone you used to love, even though the chances of that person responding are slim to none, simply because it is the right thing to do.

You can feel it on a first date with a man you technically know nothing about, simply because your heart feels like it knows his.

You can feel it when you register for a full-time course load, knowing it means you’ll have to quit your full-time job by the fall, simply because the work situation you’re subjecting yourself to 40+ hours a week does not seem livable for much longer.

I don’t like not having any other options to fall back on right now. I hate scouring Craigslist daily, searching for a measly part-time job to supplement my income.  And the thought of putting in my notice at my “stable” job truly gives me stomach pains.

But I feel at peace about focusing my attention on school in the fall. And I know that sometime in the near future I will feel at peace about a new job (TBD).  Simply because I know God is faithful and I know what peace feels like.

Have you ever made a life-changing decision?  How did peace play a role in it?

Tags: peace, school, work

5 Things

1. I had a job interview yesterday. And after much thought and discussion with CB, I decided to not accept the position. This was an extremely scary/difficult choice to make because it means I’m back to the drawing board, in terms of my job search. But there was nothing I could do or say to myself to feel at peace about accepting the job. I certainly would make the most of the situation, however, I am hoping to increase the peace in my life. I know accommodating my life for this job would only result in more stress than peace, and therefore, I declined the position today via email.

2. Walker has been so bad lately! He’s going thru this phase where he looks us right in the eye, grabs a sock or pair of underwear (usually CB’s, since he’s more likely to leave that stuff laying around), and runs. It is so frustrating! I know he just wants to play, but I really hope this nonsense is just a phase. Because running after him fifteen times a day is not fun.

3. Sometimes it sucks not knowing whether you should close a door or walk through it when it opens. It’s hard to know whether walking through it will only hurt you again.

4. I have the WORST wedding/baby fever. It’s absolutely awful. I hate that in spite of all the awesome things surrounding me, I am still able to pine over what’s “missing.”  I’m trying really hard to appreciate the mystery of the future and know that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.  But seeing CB light up at babies in public makes that really hard.

5. I have the best best friend ever. Ever. I have been so hesitant to use that phrase to describe a friendship again, especially after how things went down with my last best friend. But after our phone conversation last night, I cannot doubt that Soulmate #1 is a woman who knows, cares for, protects, and speaks to my heart. I feel so lucky. I am so in love.

What’s new in your life?

Tags: babies, CB, friendships, job search, jobs, love, patience, Soulmate #1, Walker, weddings, Zoe

A Getaway

CB and I have this joke that even though we’ve been together for eight months, we’re still on our second date. The second time we went out, we took an overnight trip to Erie.  Neither one of us quite remembers the exact timing, but we know that shortly after we returned we made the decision to live together.  For us, Erie was the date that never ended.

Life has been draining for us both of us lately, so we decided to go back to Erie, just for a day trip.  Walker came with us. We didn’t stay very long, but it was nice walking along the beach as a family.  Walker was so hilarious in the sand; you could tell he was confused by the whole situation. It felt special to watch his confusion with CB though.  It has been so great falling in love with Walker with him.

In all, it was a nice day and I think we returned home a little more relaxed.  I was nervous about transporting Walker for two hours in the car (it was a warm day…I didn’t want him to get carsick…I didn’t want him to feel anxious), but everything went really well. We even took our first family photo!  (I love Walker’s crazy eye…CB thinks it’s creepy).

Tags: CB, day trip, Erie, getaway. beach, travel, Walker

Never, Ever Give Up

I had written something very long and very different for this blog post until I saw this video:

I truly believe my current job truly stifles everything about me. Because of the drama and bitterness, I live for the days when I do not have to be at my job, stewing in all the negativity. The negativity I’m surrounded by everyday hinders me from focusing on my family, fully engaging in my coursework, and lastly, following my dreams.

I made the decision to start school full-time in the fall, which means that by the end of August, I will be quitting my job and [hopefully] working somewhere else part-time, in addition to working at the paid internship I snagged.  Money may be a little tight until graduation in April, but I think the return of my sanity will be worth it.  I’ll be focusing my attention on earning this degree, discovering what makes my heart smile within my profession, and writing.  I am scared, but no amount of money is worth me missing out on what is yet to come.  I just know that I need to let go of the baggage (i.e. my job), in order to really take it all in.  I need to stop settling.

And ultimately, I want to write.  I have known this for a long time.  I love social work and hope to be a kickass social worker someday, but really, I want to write.  The thought of “being a writer” sometimes horrifies me because when you tell someone you write, they expect to see some evidence.  This kind of vulnerability scares me to my core.  But I cannot let this fear drive me towards giving up. Because as you see, amazing things can happen when you choose to never, ever give up.

I know many people grudgingly go to work, five days a week.  Some do it for years and years, with no thoughts of pursuing other options.  Either by choice or circumstance, they settle into work lives that drain them a little more each day.  I do not want this.  I want to be one of the few who comes more alive while crafting her contribution to society.  I know one day I will find fulfillment. Because I refuse to give up until I find it.

What is your heart itching to do these days?  How are you motivating yourself to never, ever give up?

Tags: career, doing what makes you happy, dreams, figuring it out, hope, work, writing

Six Ways to Get Over a Boy

I came across some old blog posts I had written but never published. This was written about a year and a half ago. I just thought I’d share because I think they’re damn good. Also, I’m experiencing some writer’s block. At any rate, enjoy!

Food, music, movie, shopping, drinking, and running.

In that order.

You see, I had to do these things because some boy started showing me that he sucks at life. Why does he suck at life, you ask? ‘Cause he was playing games with me. And men who play games with me suck at life.

So first I ate. I ate everything in sight. I almost had to lock up the peanut butter. I went to a wedding and ate everything there too. That was nice.

Then I listened to music. I put away the Trey Songz because all his music makes me wanna do is hump someone. No, I listened to this song. Over and over. My good friend introduced me to it.

I took myself to a movie. I saw The Social Network. I didn’t wait around for that boy to take me because as I said, he sucks at life.

Then I shopped. I bought a lot of clothes. I figure there will be other guys who don’t suck at life asking me out and when they do, I’ll want to look hot for our dates. Why, just today, a nice guy asked me to dinner. Yes, that’s right, dinner. He didn’t ask to hook up at 2 in the morning. He didn’t tell me that for our next date, “we’ll play it by ear.” Nope, he asked me to dinner. Because he’s a man. Not a boy.

Then I drank. Alone. I drank beer alone because I love beer. I drunk texted people and apologized to them all the next morning. I drunk texted the boy and told him he’s taught me to never compliment a man’s cock so early in dating. This was before I told him that “I need pants.”

And today, I ran. I hadn’t run for four days and as soon as I started, I couldn’t help but wonder why I took four days off. I listened to angry music and ran and ran and ran. Hot men smiled and waved at me and I smiled and waved back. I ran because without running, my life is awful. And my mind has no chance of ever being clear.

And just like that, I’m over that idiot. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. Six easy steps. I feel good.

How do you get over a boy?

Starring…Me?

While browsing through my reader, I came across this post on Glamour’s blog, Smitten.  The video really made me smile and definitely got me thinking about Chef Boy and I.

It’s taken some time, but I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with the fact that CB and I met online.  When I joined OKCupid I NEVER planned on actually meeting someone; I just wanted to have some fun.  So when all the excitement between him and I started to take place, it seemed kinda surreal. Like my life really was turning into some weird eHarmony commercial fantasy or something.

So it’s hard to say whether or not I’d broadcast our internet love success on national television. I guess it’s good to help tear down some of the stigma of online dating, especially since I’m reaping the benefits.  But on TV? I’m not so sure.  I’m by no means a shy person, but starring in a commercial would definitely take me out of my comfort zone. A lot.

I bet CB would do it though. He’s so great at living authentically.  When people ask how we met, he proudly tells them without hesitation.  He’s very confident in this way. I love him for that.

Have you ever tried online dating?  Was it successful?   And if you met the love of your life online, would you talk about the experience for the whole world to see/hear?